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This is a little bit about me.

On The End Of Comments

Give me a few minutes and I'll weigh in with what appears to be an attention-seeking, overly long comment not even related to this post!

Posted on April 15, 2014 at 10:18 am 8

On Make The Words Go Away

Posted on February 21, 2014 at 3:53 pm 1

On What America Needs Now Is A Successful Television Heist Show

I think a good heist show would be about a top group of heist artists (heisters?) who devise a plan for the perfect heist. "This is the perfect heist," Nemo, the leader, says. The rest of the team agrees, if not perfect, it's at least a pretty good heist. Then they go get beers at the Rusty Stirrup where Jenny works. Jenny's really sexy. Also, she works for Donnie and the bad heist guys and signals the bad heist team that Nemo and his heisters are sitting at the bar drinking beer and just shooting the shit. Donnie's heist team springs into action and heists Nemo's plans for the perfect heist. When they get back to their heist hangout, Donnie unfolds the plans and is like, "What the hell is this?" Eddie, his brawny assistant, smashes the TV and screams "It's nothing but gibberish!" Then Nemo, who has been hiding in the corner lights a match and says, "It's not gibberish, Donnie. It's code." Then he laughs. Donnie's brawny assistant, Eddie, looks at Nemo menacingly but Nemo gives a little signal like a "whoop whoop!" and his heist team rappels down from the ceiling and takes back their plans. "This isn't over, Nemo," Donnie yells. But Nemo just ignores him and he and the team go back to the Rusty Stirrup to celebrate by drinking beer and shooting the shit. Nemo gives the plans to Jenny to "keep in a safe place." Because she's so sexy it never even occurs to him she could be working for Donnie, which she is. Jenny immediately takes the plans into the backroom at the Rusty Stirrup and hands the plans to Donnie, but Donnie's like, "It's no use, Jenny, without the code this plan is gibberish." Jenny takes the plans back and looks at them. "This isn't a code," she says. "It's just some of the words are jumbled up." Just then Nemo, who's been hiding in the corner lights a match and laughs, "Ok, it's not really a code, I'm just dyslexic." Eddie, who looks really brawny in this scene, takes out a taser and says he's going to tase Nemo, but first Nemo says "whoop whoop" and then his team rappels down from the ceiling and knocks the taser out of Eddie's hands and takes back the plans for the really good heist. Jenny, looking so sexy, runs over to Nemo and says she didn't really mean to double-cross him and Nemo gives her a kiss and says, "I know, baby. Damn, you are so sexy." Then they go back to the bar to drink beer and shoot the shit. This is just the first episode.

Posted on February 7, 2014 at 11:09 am 1

On The Insane Whole Foods Gowanus Is Open For Your Gentrifying Needs

Like many, I laughed at the idea of turning Governor's Island into a Whole Ikea Foods. "It's the world's first shopping/living/entertainment/lifestyle complex," the developers said. But after they built it and I took the free ferry over to see it first hand, I kinda fell into assembling some furniture and sharpening knives, baking bread, mopping, and time sort of just slipped away from me. So, here I am, putting together the new Bjornsson tele-potties for the daycare family bathroom before I have to go down and help Kenny pour growlers of beer. I haven't been home in 30, maybe 40 days. I think. But I love it. I really do. I'm hoping to get on the Flarnstaad team next because I hear they are sometimes allowed to sleep on sofas instead of in the tiny refresh pods near the dumpsters.

Posted on December 17, 2013 at 12:48 pm 7

On Chopped Salad Toppings, In Order

The same every day. The spinach salad at Hale & Hearty with #3, #8, #10 and #14. No dressing. Refuse the bread but take the crackers. I eat it in the store. The roar from my salad is deafening. After a time I notice the man next to me in the maroon sweater is staring at me, trembling with rage. I pause mid-bite. "I do like a salad with crunch," I tell him. The next thing I know the man in the maroon sweater is choking me. Someone pulls him off me and the manager asks if I want to call the police. I tell him no, I just want to take my crunchy salad to go. Sometimes they give me a free salad card.

Posted on December 3, 2013 at 3:08 pm 3

On This Is As Better As It Gets

Barbara? It's me. Look, I heard what happened. Jesus. Oh Barbara, I don't even know what to say. How are you holding up? What am I talking about, holding up, don't even answer that. You must be an absolute mess. I can't believe you even answered the phone. I'd say get a grip, pull yourself together, but we both know that's not happening, not now, not after this. You know how some people say, "Don't worry, one day we'll laugh about this?" Well, don't believe it. Only a sick, twisted, disgusting animal would laugh about something like this. Trust me. This one's going to hurt forever. Remember Danielle? After Tommy died she got Shingles and she was never the same. Is Eddie there? Tim? What about Frankie? Jesus, you're alone?! Oh my god, you're alone. Totally alone. I'm sorry, but those kids of yours are real pieces of shit. Leaving you alone. At a time like this! My Martin would never leave me alone. Not after something like this. Please, please, whatever you do, stay out of the kitchen. No knives. No knives, Barbara. I mean it. Unbelievable. At least you have the cat, what's-its-name, Dumpy, Lumpy. Oh my god, when did Lumpy die? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, when it rains it pours. Do you have a gun? Well don't worry, I'll ask Martin to bring you one this afternoon. What?! Oh Barbara, no. Not for you, for prowlers. The gun's for prowlers, Barbara. You're alone, for god's sake! Just stay put and wait for Martin. And stop answering the phone. Nothing anyone says is going to make this better.

Posted on November 15, 2013 at 10:33 am 4

On Old Man Cheap

This isn't really surprising if you consider the incident where Ground Control refused to spend the money necessary to rescue Major Tom when he was floating round his tin can far above the moon. Many people, after suffering an economic calamity, become overly cautious with their finances, particularly as they age. I bet he saves paper plates.

Posted on October 31, 2013 at 12:28 pm 0

On Middle-Aged Morrissey Fans Ruining Everything

Also, I like to oppress people by dressing like Paul Weller. Feels so good!

Posted on October 21, 2013 at 10:00 am 0

On Meth Parrot Feathersnarked

Dear Lollibaby,
I apologize for the offensive Gchats that were inadvertently sent to you during last night's Google Hangouts bug. It was not my intention to engage in feathershaming. I regret my insensitive comments. Be bald, be proud.

Posted on September 26, 2013 at 10:50 am 0

On The Cuckold Surgeon's Heinous Revenge

My God, this was beautiful. Thank you.

Posted on August 23, 2013 at 10:45 am 0